A Man’s Guide to Winning Arguments with Women

Sorry, ladies, but this post is intended to be a guide to all of the brothers who are lost and confused when their wife, girlfriend, sister, mother, boss, coworker or librarian is upset with them and threatening to kick them out of the bed, house, company, cubicle or library. When a conflict ensues between a man and a woman–irregardless of their relationship–normally the man will approach the issue from an enormously different angle than the woman, thereby resulting in more conflict, threats and heartache. This blog is my attempt to provide a map to my fellow men to guide them through any argument with the women in their lives and win!

1. Say you’re sorry. If you’re wrong, you’re wrong. We all make mistakes at times, so own up to yours. It’s important, however, that you not apologize the way you would to a man. Most of the time, men don’t need an essay on why you’re sorry, but women do. She needs to know that you are sincerely sorrowful for your brutish, negligent, careless behavior. A good formula is: “Look, I’m sorry for [Insert stupid mistake here.]. I realize after thinking about it that it was wrong (selfish, stupid, unwise, careless, etc.) of me to do that. When I did that, it hurt you by [Insert how what you did hurt her. (e.g. it made you sad, made you feel neglected, made you late, put you in a hard spot, etc.)]. Would you please forgive me?”  Nothing will put her more off-balance then a man with honesty.
2. Don’t defend yourself. Now, let’s assume that you’re in the right. That what you did was not your fault. If this is the case, the normal response would be to defend yourself. “I did nothing wrong!” You must resist this temptation because when you defend yourself, you are making the issue a moral one. I can assure you that if you did nothing morally wrong, she already knows it, but she still feels upset with you. To a woman, she can be completely justified in her wrath as long as she feels like she has been slighted, whether it was your fault or not. When it comes to how she feels, she couldn’t care less if you were right in what you did or not. It’s not about right or wrong; it’s about how she feels that matters.
3. Identify the fears of the woman. This leads us to the next step. If you did nothing wrong or intentionally wrong, you are in a conflict due to her feelings. Thus, you must identify the fear that is leading to her angst. As with everyone, bad feelings are almost always initiated by a fear, real or otherwise. To get out of this relationship jungle, you’ve got to identify the fear that is the center of the issue. For example, let’s say you stopped to help someone on the way home from work. This makes you late coming home, and although you called ahead to tell your wife that you’d be late, she is still angrier than a hornet. You did nothing wrong, but you have activated a fear in her. She fears you being late every night, or putting the needs of others ahead of her need for you. You had better identify this quickly, because if you think it’s about right and wrong, you will get nowhere.
4. Acknowledge the fears as legitimate. You may not believe them to be so, but you must treat her fears as legitimate ones. Pooh-poohing her foolish worries would be like landing in the middle of the invasion of Normandy. She will tear you apart. You know that she is Number One in your heart, but she can only know this by reading your actions. If you come home late, even for an act of kindness, it conveys the message that she is not Number One. Her fear is legitimate, especially if it happens often. Try saying this, “I understand that you are concerned that [Insert identified fear.].”
5. Put yourself on her side. Once you have targeted the core of her fear, position yourself to her side by sharing the same concern. You are both a team dedicated to the well being of the other, not enemies sworn to the other’s destruction. Let her know that you share the same concerns and that you are doing everything possible to keep those fears from becoming reality. For you to win, she must know that she is not alone in how she feels. For instance, if you’re a dad who has done something that the mother of your child thinks is unforgivable with the children (Remember, we’re talking about a simple disagreement, not outright abuse or negligence.), you must show her that you are just as committed to raising the children properly as she is. You share her concerns and are dedicated to solving those concerns.
6. Follow up with some heart-felt service. It is important that you do this step after you’ve done the above, or at least while you’re doing the above. Without talking and acknowledging her feelings, your acts of love will be nothing but manipulating her feelings. I don’t want you to do nice things for her just to put her in a better mood; I want you to serve her in an effort to prove that you are sincere in being on her side. If she’s your wife, do what you know makes her happy. If she’s your mother, sister, coworker or librarian, do random acts of kindness so that they get the point.
7. Be a man and suck it up. Be aware that even after all of these steps, she will probably still be upset with you. However, I can almost guarantee you that she won’t be as angry as she was. Women take some time to process their emotions, and some take longer than others. Suck it up and give her some time. She’ll come around. Don’t ruin everything by getting angry and lashing out at her.
8. Welcome her back to the team and never bring it up again. When she does come around and begins to treat you like a human being, don’t bring up the past except to express gratitude that she is your friend, boss, sister, lover, etc. This will assure her that you are still on her team and are not holding anything against her.

The key to it all is to remember that most women are more concerned about how they feel in a conflict, while most men are more concerned with the facts. Men are more likely to look only at what happened and whether the choices were right, efficient, beneficial, logical or essential. Most women won’t tackle the conflict this way. Go after her heart, not her head, and you’ll win every time.

How do you see the difference in the way men and women handle conflict? Women, what do you think of my advice for the guys?