This week I began reading a book from Thomas Nelson’s blog reviewer site, BookSneeze, called Everyone Communicates Few Connect by John C. Maxwell (A review is coming, by the way. Keep an eye out.). It’s message is hitting me so hard, I had to get something off of my chest.
In the second chapter, “Connecting Is All About Others,” Maxwell explains how the connection that we are looking for as leaders and communicators starts with an honest desire on our part to care for the people to whom we are trying to connect. “Connecting is never about me. It’s about the person with whom I’m communicating.” It all begins when I think first of the person I’m talking with and myself second. Never more was this true of my role as a pastor.
So many times, I found myself communicating simply to “sell” a doctrine, lifestyle, policy, behavior, method or idea. If the people don’t buy into what I’m trying to sell them (e.g. prayer, Bible study, small group participation, etc.), I feel like a failure, and thus I am motivated to continue communicating the message. According to Maxwell, I’m not connecting with anyone. I’m merely communicating. No one cares what I have to say, because they know that I really don’t care about them. I care about being right, about selling the “product.”
People will allow me to connect with them when they know that I care about them, I can help them and that I am trustworthy. Every message I give must start with love for the people God has given me, not with my agenda. Every presentation I make has to pass the test of “Will this help them?” If not, it must be tossed. Time to start connecting.
I wish to change my motivation, and thereby change my communication to connection. Jesus connected with people. I want to do the same.
Have you ever served under a leader who communicated but never connected with you? What did you learn from that experience?
The best way that I’ve found to connect with people is to ask questions. Juice them for information. #1.) That shows them that you’re not just listening, but you’re paying attention to every detail, & #2.) that you truely care.
You make the person that you’re connecting with feel as if they are the center of your world at that moment. They feel important & like you sincerely value their time, perspective, wisdom, knowledge, etc.
I also wanted to add another thing that I’ve learned, too, about connecting with people.
People don’t care about what you have to say until they know that you care enough to listen.
This, once again, is why I’m so big on asking questions. I just keep digging & digging until I sense that their end of the conversation’s hit bottom. By that time they’re ready to listen because I’ve taken time to listen to them. That’s when I can begin filling up that big hole we dug with my words & begin to minister to them.
The funny thing is that I’ve found out that I can say some pretty blunt honest things to them and they don’t get offended. I’ve done such a good job of listening that they know that what I’ve spoken I’ve spoken out of love.
Great tip! Questions are our best friends. They keep us in a listening position and encourage the other party to participate in the conversation. Asking questions is a skill that needs practice, though. It’s certainly not for the faint of heart! Some answers are tough to swallow.