Everyone needs friends to succeed in life. Having friends is not the option. The option is our friends themselves. Those with whom I spend my time are the recipients of a choice determined by none other then myself. In fact, I am also the recipient of my own determination of company. My decision can either bring me renewed blessings or continual frustration.
What a heavy decision this is! Those who surround me are the shield against the buffeting, negative forces of life. Those who lift me up with eager hands are the bridge upon which I travel to my destiny. Those who encourage me become the food my soul desperately needs to live.
It’s not wisdom to know that one needs friends. That’s a simple observation. Wisdom is in the knowing how to choose good friends. Here’s four ways in which I’ve seen myself and others choose friends. They may be good, or they may be bad. But that’s your choice.
Fraternal. Some choose friends merely on the location in which they find themselves in life. If they’re in college, all of their friends are from that college. If they have a job, all of their friends are coworkers. This is an opportunistic approach to friendship. It’s assumed that if you’re in the same boat, than you must be friends, just like Facebook networks.
These friendships are quickly made and quickly lost. It’s easy to transfer friendships with each new place thereby avoiding any inconvenience of keeping up with the past and all its nastiness.
Critical. Others choose friends based on the standards of an interminably long, invisible list. They have a tight group of friends who reflect their morals, preferences and opinions. These people view their friends as a direct extension of their personality and thus carefully vet out any friendship that would inappropriately represent them. If they are jocks, they can’t have nerd friends. If they are professionals, they can’t be seen with blue-collar workers.
The best use of critically-chosen friendships is to maintain the present comfort level of the one picking their friends. When friends are chosen so critically, there is little room for diversity. This circle of friends is a homogenous group where change is looked upon as treason to the standards of the friendship and is grounds for dismissal.
Experiential. Many of us choose friends is by going through experiences with others (I certainly do). We wait until the forces of life dump us together with someone in a foxhole facing a common enemy before we know who our friends are. A bond forms between two souls around the fact that they always have “that moment” where they faced and conquered insurmountable odds together. This is the touchstone they always come back to if the friendship falls awry.
Although experiential friendships enjoy a tight bond, they have a tendency to grow stale. Once “that moment” is over there is nothing else for the friends to share. Soon, they become two old birds squawking the same stories over and over in hopes that the same feelings they had will surface again.
Strategic. Few people choose their friends strategically. Strategic friendships begin with a relationship with one’s self. These friendships are struck within the soul of a person before another soul is met. When one chooses friends strategically, they are cultivating friendships based on an intimate knowledge of who they are and whom they are to become.
If a professional wants to learn the value of an honest day’s work, he finds a blue collar friend. If a poor man wishes to be wealthy, he finds a friend who has money and grows it. If a believer wishes to grow in Christ, she finds a mature Christian to spend time with.
Strategic friendships may present themselves by two people being in the same location, world-view, or situation; but they are cultivated due to a desire to grow and change. This desire for change only comes after knowing one’s own limitations and potential.
I want to choose my friends strategically, because I know who I am and I know where I’m going.
How do you normally choose your friends? What are strategic friendships that you need?
